I have been told that I may have some good news forthcoming on a few fronts but I know that even if there are good things coming, I am not the person I once was much less who I once believed that I might be — so I am not only short on resources and opportunities. I am also someone who is deeply aware that my inner resources are less than they once were. I only want to see if I can create a meaningful remainder of my life. I do not want to to pretend it can now be what it could have been if life had turned out differently. This post comes into being in a very tight window of time punctuated over a period of busy and tiring days and weeks. The path of life is more torturous and the rewards are more limited than one would have hoped. I am aware of the lack of resources that I bring to all things, and when (after many years without a solid relationship of love) I look in the eyes of my girlfriend Clara I am aware of how much less I have to offer her than I might like. Nonetheless, I have done some good at work, pursued some long term goals, gotten a paycheck and had some quality time with the woman I love. My life is blessed and although I have little I am surrounded by signs of worse decline and erosion of value than that which affects me personally. My suffering and struggling in vain has been a large portion of my life and I can and do get fixated on the wasted energies some times. But there are fruits and joys I can remember as well, but when compared to the catastrophes that are visited on many who have had to divide their energies between unpopular duties and paying activities in an eroding massive center of the United States.
The Promise of Being Older
The degrees that I have earned are still mine. The publications I have published are often still extant somewhere if faded in significance. The journeys that I have traveled are not only remembered but many are recorded in various ways. I am still in my mother’s two books. I am a still divorced annulled, formerly married and have many relatives who will at least speak to me cordially most of the time. I have not the need to start life from scratch in order to fill out all the form and substance of a human life’s career. The years that remain occur without reference to a sense of not having done much. I feel uncompensated but not as though I have not lived so far.
I am aware of my limitations today. There is nothing much that I can be sure of compared to what one might wish at this point of my life’s journey. I have something to possibly say about the outcome and am hoping for a few things to go my way/ I realize that I have been blessed with the last few months I have shared with a woman I hope will be my companion and partner for the rest of my life. But I admit that we are just finding our way and not even an engagement ring binds us together in the journey so far. There is little security in my life.
News to come.
I hope to post more positive news in weeks to come.