I have long been under the certain sentence of ever diminishing expectations. But I do not always blog and act as if that were the case there are happy and good moments to seize and I believe in seizing them. In addition, I am always ready to lay out some of whatever resources i have to make a better future. That always means what I see as a better future for myself and what I see as a better future for someone and something other than myself. But make no mistake, those many acts which are good in themselves and fit into some kind of good vision in my mind are far indeed from a plan for success. If by a plan one means a realistic set of steps and initiatives that will lead to a better outcome.
I also have had my moments of happiness snatched from the fires of poorly apportioned idle and busy misadventure which will shape most of those hours that are likely to make up any month in the near future or have made up any months in the past. Those moments do not all fit one type in a neat way either and not ever one involved in one moment would approve of the other moments. In addition there are relationships in my life which have varied a great deal from one another in many ways and are divided between those which undoubtedly have great substance that anyone could measure and those which are a combination of fleeting interactions, online connections and third-party interactions — all of those have been observed differently by different people. People have judgments about how meaningful such connections are and if they grant that they have meaning they may have opinions I don’t share about what that meaning is. For example my most meaningful relationship in terms of romantic or other connections was with my ex-wife of about eight years but I have not seen her (except in a handful of online pictures), heard her voice or spoken to her since the day she called me to meet at one of our favorite restaurants ostensibly to discuss our separation and a potential reunion but actually to serve me with divorce papers. So she really has no part in my life present or future. Other people whom I barely know have had some impact on my life in recent years. Most of my relationships fall some where in the middle. But I would say that my capacity for relating to people in general diminishes a bit more and more each year. There are eddies in that current. But the general trend is towards more isolation.
There has never been a time when I was a total recluse and there has never been a time when I felt myself to be completely adjusted to and engaged in the world in a way that I thought really fit me. But I have also always known that I was not alone in that experience. Many people have found a better sense of fit and place in life and many people have not. One struggles to make the best one can of what one is doing in the world, struggles to survive and thrive, to deal with responsibilities and help those one cares about and to try to make a difference in the bigger picture.
It’s not all that easy to say how the world is doing this year. My most recent post was on North Korea and I have a lot of personal connections to the subject matter of that post that I have tired to describe. But not all my posts in this blog are of that type. I have recently posted largely about Saudi Arabia — with which I have little connection. The world is a big and complicated place. It’s pretty clear that I can observe a mixture of good and bad things going on in my own life. I hope that anyone reading this feels that he or she can tell a few things about the direction of his or her own life. That’s mostly the kind of blog post this is. Just some imagistic remarks and picture in a blog that has fewer readers than it once did and is less connected to other influential blogs than it once was. But there has been a history of ups and downs and the blog might possibly have another upswing some day. But when its readership narrows my political and social blogging tends to diminish in ambition and scope. I don’t delete the old content but in the newer content there is a more confined tone. It’s political here from time to time but even in the discussion of politics each post is mostly a reflection on my own life. My life had more followers on this blog at some times in the past than it does now. I can’t really say if that could be said to be good or bad. I only know that declining blog readership is one of many factors defining my shrinking life.
The month of June is not the most electoral or political month of the year. June is the month of my birthday and Fathers Day. It’s a season for me personally to keep track of the progress or lack thereof in my life. The year in the title of this post is the year that I was 52 years old. The year has been one of extraordinary failure and reason for despondency even in a life that has known very little hope for a long time. I am driven or drawn to commenting and posting on why that might be and how that bleak reality plays out. Of course, my life has a political context but really it is very hot and humid and the grass and weeds grow very fast and I struggle at times to keep up with the outdoor things I try to take care of with the limited resources that I have and that makes me feel less preoccupied with politics in many ways.
This is the first post I have mentioned that I am supposed to be presenting another presentation at an academic conference this year.
I have made some progress but I have not gotten as much done as I would like but I have a huge foundation of work on the subject. Of course, my very pessimistic point of view reminds me that it could fall through despite assurances to the contrary. I feel a keen limitation in needed resources and then there are the distractions of life. But in the meanwhile there are hopes that by October it will be a good and worthy presentation. That also falls into the middle ground between daily survival and the larger scope of social and political aspiration.
I also experienced three significant deaths in my life this past month, the deaths of Charles William Massie III and Monsignor Richard Von Phul Mouton were both deaths of people who at various times had been very close to me. In looking for Big Billy’s death notice I discovered that my friend Christian De Prinz had died months earlier and it had escaped my attention. That and a few other significant events have shaped my perception of the world more than the political scene has this last few months. I suppose that the situation in national politics worries more people than usual. But how many more and how much more the situation worries them is not clear. I suppose that I will be alone with my thoughts many times before the world changes its perception of its own situation a great deal.
The shooting of Steve Scalise hits fairly close to home as I received numerous emails purporting to have been written by him and we have many mutual connections — although I actually do not know the man. So we are back into my life of ambiguous relationships. This has been a remarkably tough year as things go. but perhaps the future will be better.