One of the most constant experiences of my life is that I have always lived in a sense of wonder and amazement that it is possible for the human world and mostly my own life situation in the larger sense to be as horrible as it is. Recently , I had a number of experiences that have once again confirmed for me that in many ways I live in an extreme horror movie and nightmare from my point of view. It does seem that when I was younger there were little slivers, cloud linings and whispers of hope for something better. But as I get older it seems that an acceptance of the profundity and totality of the horror of human life and of the world’s destiny and of my own prospects gradually sets in upon me. In a way it is of course relaxing because in a world of almost total horror there is no great need to worry about every little twist and turn in one’s own plans and efforts. One does not worry as much about one’s diction or dress if one is going to burned alive in the staterooms of a sinking ship and cannot fit through the pothole or open the door. Some things matter less and less. For me perhaps this life is just sort of essentially and phenomenologically hell.
Perhaps that realization sometimes helps me to look beyond my own life. Perhaps it does not. Nonetheless, it simply abides as a fact and a factor in my mind.